Oscar Telecast

Just turned on ABC and the Barbara Walters special is over, and Jamie Foxx is playing piano over the credits. Ok Jaime, we get it. You can play piano like Ray Charles. What do you want, a medal?

Wait, what, 8:00 is the stupid COUNTDOWN? Mary Hart, Billy Bush….arrgh, my eyes! I shouldn’t be watching this.

Let’s see how many times Swank mentions her husband since she forgot to thank him the last time she won.

Annette Bening seems a little mellow. Warren must’ve drugged her, but he does that every night.

Haha, Donnie Darko just interrupted Jaime Foxx’s interview. They’re starring in “Jarhead” together, seems like they’ve got a good rapport.

Wow, Halle Berry looks FANTASTIC. I still don’t respect her though.

Renee Zellweger…not sure the red dress w/ the black hair is the look for her. No, I’m positive…it’s not a good look for her.

Laura Linney…no way, her chest is bigger than that. I don’t like her hair, it’s a little too futuristic or something.

Virginia Madsen is beautiful, but the blue dress is a little too bold.

Cate Blanchett looks pretty damn good. She’s so smart and articulate, like most English actresses. American actresses tend to be giddy girlie girls.

PriceWaterhouseCoopers has the envelopes and, oh wait…

Penelope Cruz. God damn. Cruise is a fool. A fool! Someone said she looks like a muppet…I can’t remember who, but right now I hate that person and wish them sickness and death.

Ok, the Oscars are starting now. Let’s get this party started.

A clip montage about movies. They just compared Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon’s treetop sequence to Tarzan swinging through the jungle. Blah, I wish I could fastforward this drivel.

Here comes the Rock. He looks pretty good. And he’s getting a standing ovation….??!@! What? WHY? Because he was persecuted by the press? Oh, poor Chris Rock. God, Hollywood is so full of itself.

He’s killing. This is good stuff. I love the Jude Law bit. Yes yes, cheer the Bush bashing, you monkeys. The Gap-Deficit analogy is stupid. And oh look, no one’s applauding the Passion. Big surprise.

Haha, what a joke, “I’m sending a message out to all our troop.s.” That was genuine, ya prick.

Cool, the Art Direction nominees get to go onstage. That’s a cool idea. Wahoo, Dante Ferretti won for “The Aviator.” He’s done some great work other years. Yeah ok, I can’t name a specific film he did, but whenever I look up a movie on imdb.com, he’s the art director.

Supporting Actor time. I predicted Morgan Freeman. But I want Clive Owen to win, because he’s cool. The scene they’re showing of Thomas Hayden Church is the scene that made me think he was a terrible actor. Go figure. Freeman wins. I’m happy for him. His speech was so short! No way man, he should’ve said more. He’s a legend.

Animation award. Robin Williams has been better. Sweet, The Incredibles won. Hurray for Brad Bird.

One thing Chris Rock doesn’t have is a gentlemanly nature. So when he says “Please welcome, Cate Blanchett,” it sounds dirty.

Wait a sec, the lesser award winners don’t get to go onstage? What is this, the caste system? Is Hollywood on the road to serfdom?

9:18pm

“Aviator” wins Costume Design. Hmm, I hope it doesn’t just win the technical awards.

Supporting Actress. Cate Blanchett wins. She ends her classy speech by saying to Martin Scorsese that “I hope my son marries your daughter.” Well now, how embarrassing is that for Scorsese Jr and little miss Blanchett? Maybe they’re like really young, but what if they’re dating and watching the show? Damn that would be awkward.

“Born into Brothels” wins Documentary. Warning: Political rant ahead. At last year’s State of the Union address (in 2004), Bush talked about the moral tragedy of the youth sex trade and the brothels where these little girls grow up in. He announced some initiative for this, but I can’t remember what it was. He also spoke of the steroid abuse problem in professional sports. Meryl Streep mocked him for this at the Golden Globes, saying “I don’t think steroids is the worst problem in our country right now,” or something to that effect. Now here we are in 2005, and Hollywood has just given an award to a movie for documenting this terrible crisis. And thanks to Jason Giambi and Jose Canseco, steroid use is getting major attention in the news media, and everyone’s like, “How did this happen? This is ruining baseball! We have to fix this! Mandatory drug testing for all! Bwahhh! Yeah. Who woulda thunk it? George Bush did.

Thelma Schoonmaker wins best editing for The Aviator. She’s fucking awesome. She’s done like everyone of Scorsese’s films, and they’re always edited well. Oh cool, she won for “Raging Bull” too. Scoresese can hardly contain himself. I’m really happy about this win.

Rock & Sandler have a bit. Let’s see if they’re as good as Ben & Owen….. Nope, they’re not.

Adapted Screenplay. For godsakes, what is with “Before Sunset”? Can a sequel be an adaptation from its first movie? That’s fuckin stupid. Yes, “Sideways” wins! Another prediction comes true, and it’s deserved.

Visual Effects. Hmm, nothing stellar here. “Spider-Man 2” wins. The effects were certainly better than the original, but I remember thinking it was still a little too video-game-like.

The President of the Academy is drawing an analogy between his speech and a “sermon.” That was table scrap for the red states. Now he’s doing the obligatory military appreciation spiel: “Our films take you back home for an hour or so. And our prayers wish you a sweet and safe return.” That was nice, but how about actually supporting them for a change?

Al Pacino’s in the house! One of the few actors from the 70’s with his integrity still intact. Sidney Lumet gets a Lifetime Achievement Award. Hmm, I know a few of his films. “Dog Day,” “Serpico,” “Night Falls on Manhattan.” What else? Maybe the montage will help me here. Oh shit, he did “Network.” He’s done a lot of films. What the fuck is this…Vin Diesel’s in a Sidney Lumet movie coming out? And they gave him a wig of gray hair? Why in the world would they show that clip?

Scorsese’s crying again. Man, if he wins, he’s not going to make it.

Beeeeeyonce Knowles sings something from “Phantom.” Minnie Driver does it in the movie, but the Academy didn’t want her because she has a fat face and isn’t hip with the kids like BK. What a classy organization.

Kate Winslet. I love this girl. Her dress is an interesting color…kind of a royal blue. She’s announcing Cinematography. I’m not really happy with any of the nominees. The winner is Robert Richardson (of “JFK” and “Kill Bill” fame) for the “Aviator.” I guess that’s the one I’d want. It’s no “Motorcycle Diaries” or “Collateral” though.

10:25pm

Oh my god, Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek are on the same stage! This is like staring at the sun -- if you look too long, you’ll go blind. BLIND! Only Penelope Cruz could make Hayek look sort of plain. And with that hair in her face, Salma makes her job even easier. It was a smart idea on the Academy’s part to keep these gals on stage as long as possible. Heck, they should’ve presented EVERYTHING. Memo to the Academy and every other Awards Organization: If you want higher ratings, assign hosting duties to Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek.

Natalie Portman looks like she stepped off the set of “Julius Caesar” with that green toga and gold headband.

10:44pm

Scorsese is getting much love. I wonder if it’s really pity.

In Mrmoriam montage. Barely a clap for Ronald Reagan. What a bunch of creeps.

When the producers of this show were assigning presenting duties for the song from “Polar Express,” who in the room yelled out, “Puffy!”?

And goddamn, does Beyonce have to sing EVERYTHING? But hey, at least “The Motorcycle Diaries” won for Song. Pretty damn cool.

Alright, Best Actress time. Sean Penn is back to wearing his hair “I Am Sam”-style. I predicted Hilary Swank, who was really fucking good in a not so fucking good movie. And she wins. Nice long speech, not just rambling off names to thank but stating WHY she’s thanking them.

Wait a sec, is that Billy Crudup in that new MasterCard commercial? I think he’s the guy playing the clerk at the gas station. No way! No Way! It can’t be! Is it him? Is it?

11:15pm

Foreign Language Film goes to “The Sea Inside,” directed by Alejandro Amenabar, who did “Open Your Eyes,” which I really liked. So this is cool. This night is turning out pretty well for both the African-American and Spanish communities.

Ok, Original Screenplay. Hotel Rwanda, Aviator, Incredibles, YES!!!! Eternal Sunshine WINS! OH YES! I predicted it too, but I didn’t really think it could win! The best award of the evening so far.

11:25pm

Charlize Theron. I spoke too soon earlier. Penelope Cruz and CHARLIZE THERON should have all hosting duties.

Best Actor. Jaime Foxx time. I’m sorry , even from these clips it’s pretty damn clear how awesome Leo was. Foxx wins. Let’s see, he gets an ovation. Incredible speech. And let’s be honest, that’s one of the reasons he won, because he gave a good speech at the Globes. Btw, I like his suit…dark blue & black striped…but not distinct stripes. Very cool.

Ok, ok. Julia Roberts looks pretty damn good for just having twins.

Best Director: I get a very Scorsese feeling tonight. I feel it. Ahh, fuck. Eastwood wins. This shouldn’t have happened. It feels wrong to me. He made the movie in 37 days, he says. And it shows.

Yuck, following up Eastwood’s classy presence with Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand…presenting Best Picture? They don’t deserve this honor, especially her. “Million Dollar Baby” wins. Now, I have to say it’s amazing that a movie that almost didn’t get made and wasn’t supported by the studio, has now won Best Picture. That’s pretty damn groovy. I’ll leave it at that.